After a really difficult week with BLAW, Ollie’s due date, birthday & date he passed away, I feel like I can breathe a little again today. Like a lot of other parents, I found it really hard to manage my emotions & grief last week. It seemed like wherever I looked I was surrounded by loss & reminders of where I was that time the year before. Blissfully unaware of what was coming….
But actually it also made us feel so comforted that Ollie was remembered by so many people. We received messages, comments, cards, gifts, candles were lit, ribbons were made & people spoke his name. His birthday was a day filled with love, balloons, cake, strawberries, gifts & memories of him - just how it would have been if he was earth side.
Reading people’s comments & cards made me feel more at peace than I have done in a long time because I feel like I’m constantly fighting to keep him alive. But yesterday made me see that we achieved that, the people who mattered remembered him & his special day as well as so many parents in this amazingly supportive community we find ourselves in. I don’t know what I would have done without some of these women this past year…
So as we progress through our 3rd trimester, holding our breath & living in fear everyday, there’s also a wave of calm because our little boy is alive in people’s memories & hearts, death cannot change that. A year later I feel like I can finally rest a little knowing that he’s here in our memories. This is just a small snapshot of Ollie’s special birthday (I’m also terrible at reels!) we love you so much & every day is your day, because you will never ever be forgotten, this is just the start of your legacy….
Pregnancy after loss is incredibly challenging, in fact I would say aside from losing Ollie is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Trying to balance looking after my health/mental health during pregnancy with Ollie's sister, grieving for Ollie, celebrating his birthday, staying hopeful but cautious is something I haven't mastered yet. I thought that by the time I had hit certain milestones that this would get easier, but it hasn't. The relief only lasts for a few hours or days or even minutes until fear takes back over, I spend a lot of my time talking myself out of situations or issues that I create in my own mind without any other basis but pure terror.
But maybe, just maybe now it's time to rest a little. I can't change what's happened, I can't change the future, I can't change what might happen or what did happen, but I can change my attitude & mindset (sometimes....!) It feels like now is a good time to let my son rest a little, taking comfort from the fact we know how loved he is. It isn't about gifts or cards or grand gestures, it's about how many people said his name, thought of him, sent us a message. He will live forever in our hearts & memories & will always be a part of our family.
So here we are a year later when I didn't think I would survive another day. We made it this far, we need to keep going. Somehow. And somehow I need to find a way to rest a little. My life is baby loss & I'm often consumed by it, through my own doing. But I need to try to see the other side too, that some babies live & Cling onto that hope where we can.
You made our lives so much better Ollie. You'll always be our son, our beautiful star in the sky. Rest now, I hope you're at peace.
Xxx
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