When something awful happens to you or when someone close to you passes away, it makes you more aware of your own mortality and how fast life changes, how it can all be over within the blink of an eye. But it also teaches you to appreciate how beautiful life can be, it makes your senses more heightened to see the good in things and do things you didn't think could or would be possible.
Very soon after Ollie died me & Reece went for a few days away, not because we wanted to or to enjoy ourselves, but because we didn't know what else to do. We went on a walk and I saw a mum holding a baby, her partner pushing the pushchair. It broke my heart, we had to go back to the room because I was so upset. I remember Reece saying to me 'We don't know where we'll be in a years time, our turn will come'. At the time I was angry with him for saying that, even though he obviously meant well and was just trying to make me feel better. But I couldn't see through the fog of the immense grief at how we could possibly ever feel remotely normal again, or even the thought of putting ourselves through something like this ever again.
But then, on Monday it was 10 months since Ollie passed away. We were in a scan room, one of the same rooms where we had seen our beautiful boy wriggling away, watching our rainbow baby smile for the first time...less than 1 year since we lost him. We still don't know where we will be in a years time, whether our rainbow will live or what will happen to us. But it made me remember how far we had come and what is possible, even when you don't believe it yourself. I never thought I would feel any form of happiness again or love anyone or anything as much as I love him, but watching our little girl smile on the screen I love her just as much as her brother. Which petrifies me.. But like Elle Wright's book said 'I want him to be the reason that we do, and never the reason that we don't'. Ollie made us realise just how much that me & Reece just desperately want to be parents to a living child, and that our desire and need for that is stronger than the fear that consumes us. We're now parents to 2 children (and a little woollen, slightly scruffy blue bear!) one in the clouds and the other we're praying will live. He is the reason we're here today in this position we're so blessed with to have even come this far, we're so grateful and we'll keep going. No matter what, I will always try my best to keep going.
But it isn't just about our pregnancy, which we're aware can end at any time, it's other small things too that pass us by without realising. I can go into a hospital or doctors surgery without a panic attack now (just sweaty palms and palpitations and I cry lol) some days it isn't the first thing about when I wake up, I'm in recovery from PTSD, I can bake again, I can concentrate on books again, I can stay away from home now for the odd night (not many but on the odd occasion) I can say no more, I don't make Reece ring me as soon as he arrives at work every morning, I can write about what happened again, I've stopped reading constant loss stories and focus on ones with positive outcomes (for now) I've learned who I can depend on for support and who I can't...they're such small goals but make a huge difference to everyday life.
I have a long way to go however...I'm the most anxious I've ever been in my life, I'm still receiving counselling and support from the Perinatal mental health team, I'm obsessed with toilet roll, I can't look at blood anywhere, I still get anxious when I need to drive somewhere alone, I don't like red ANYTHING. I'm still getting to know the new 'me' and understanding what I can and can't do, because the new me is very different to the old one. Some old traits are coming back but when I look in the mirror I still see someone new who I don't recognise. I can't even explain it, I feel like I look different somehow even though everyone tells me I look the same.
For us, time hasn't healed our heartbreak, but it has allowed us the space to feel stronger and able to go through this again. There are so many things I would change if I could go back, just to change decisions I made that may have made Ollie's outcome different, but I know I can't and I accept that. I hate the saying 'It wasn't meant to be' because how can that possibly be true? But for us it feels that way, it really does feel like this was always going to be the way things would go for us. We hope Ollie picked her especially for us, and that he'll help her grow and watch over her. He's already the best big brother to his sister, just as he would have always been...But this is so much more than another pregnancy, it's proof of how far we've come and what we're capable of surviving and enduring as human beings, as parents. If it happens again? I can't think about that and I can't be sure I would survive this time around, but I am sure that I want to try....
