I lost my boy at 22 weeks, I unfortunately had to have a TFMR (termination for medical reasons) he had a problem with his heart and it wasn’t developing properly, he would have passed away shortly after I gave birth if I decided to go full term with him, He would have been taken away from me straight away and be surrounded by doctors and nurses who would try and keep him alive for as long as possible whether that was seconds or minutes. There was options for open heart surgery as soon as he was born however the chances of survival were so slim and I was told by a cardiologist and by midwives that he would most likely pass away on an operating table surrounded by strangers. Our only other option was for our baby to pass away peacefully in his mummy’s tummy and be born sleeping and be held by his mummy and daddy for as long as we wanted to say our goodbyes to him. A ‘decision’ which no parent should ever have to make, but for us the decision had been made for us. We would never put our son through that so it was almost out of our hands and we knew it was time to say goodbye. Elliot was born sleeping on the 5th of March 2021 at 7:48am. The hardest but also the best day of my life. We got to meet our beautiful baby boy and we had a full day and night of holding him and spending time with him before we said goodbye. 💙 Since losing Elliot I have been so up and down, everyday has been different, my life shortly after losing him was almost a blur and I feel like I don’t even remember some days. I returned to work 6 weeks after and I really felt this helped me even though some days it was so hard. Routine was what got me through, also seeing friends and family and remembering that Elliot is always around me, I understand that depends on what you believe in but I am such a strong believer of this. I talk to him all the time and I just know he is listening, every time I see a robin I just know it’s him, I also always see 2 robins together and I really believe he’s with my grandad who I lost in 2017 and they are together now, I wouldn’t want anyone else taking care of my baby boy, my grandad was so important to me and I love the thought of them being together now. Me and my partner decided we would try for our rainbow baby as soon as my cycle had gone back to ‘normal’ I felt this was another way of us coping with the loss, all I wanted was to be pregnant again I missed it so much, this was in no way to replace my boy, we just knew it was the right thing for us, everyone is different. We started trying properly from about June. Every month was full of tears and heartache after seeing that negative pregnancy test, it just never got any easier. One day in august I was really struggling, I’d recently done a test which was negative and I had then come on my period. I hung my washing out to dry, everything was normal in my garden and just how I’d left it. I came inside and sat on my bed looking at Elliots picture and I broke down to him, I told him how much I missed and loved him and how much I longed to be carrying his little brother or sister. I kissed his picture and carried on with my few jobs around the house, my next lot of washing was then ready to go out about half an hour later. I opened my back door and there was 10 perfect white feathers all lay across my garden table and the floor, it took my breath away. I knew he was listening and he had sent me a sign 🥰 the number 10 didn’t seem significant at the time to me, however it now makes sense. I fell pregnant in October (the 10th month of the year) I understand some people may think it’s a coincidence, but I could have fell pregnant in the September but I didn’t. October was also so special to us as that’s the month I fell pregnant with Elliot the previous year, we found out I was pregnant the exact same day both years. (With Elliot & my rainbow) my due date with my rainbow is now the 9th of July 2022, my due date with Elliot was the 10th of July 2021. I feel my beautiful boy has sent his rainbow sister to us and has made it so special with the way it has fallen. I’m still on my journey, everyday is hard being pregnant after losing my boy and the grief will always be with me, it never goes away, we just learn to live with it I guess. Horrible things happen in life, things we never think will happen to us, baby loss is devastating and I wish no one on this earth had to go through it. If this whole experience has shown me anything it’s how strong I am, and how strong every person who has lost a baby is. They are the most amazing people I have ever met/ spoken to. We somehow find the strength to carry on even when we don’t feel like we can. None of our Angel babies will ever be forgotten, they are so special to us and are all loved so so much. Things will get better and Hayley’s quote is so true ‘Hope is a beautiful thing.’ ♥️
